100 Ways to Kill Seymour
by Not Jack Frost
Summary: A collection of short drabbles, where Seymour dies in a very twisted way every chapter. You want him to die in a particular way? Send your suggestions via PM or review! Chapter 4 up. I'm on a roll.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

**Welcome to "100 ways to kill Seymour"!**

**This fic was inspired by "How many ways can you kill a madman?" by xXxValentinexXx. **

**I really hope that people will understand that this is just humor, humor and more humor. But none the less, all flames and constructive criticism will be accepted.**

**The chapters will be around 1000 words or less and will feature OOC, OC, crossovers and plain dementedness.**

**I hope you will enjoy this little fic.**

**So without further ado – LET THE KILLING BEGIN!**

**A/N2: this was Beta'd by BalthierFlare. Enjoy the first death  
**

**1.****Drowning? Why not?**

"Oh brudda.. I'm so nervous this year, ya..."

The captain of the infamous Besaid Aurochs was sitting on the railing of the third dock in Luca. He was eating a big basket of bananas... Wait a minute... This little discovery was not only surprising for me, the author, but also for Lulu, who was on her way to see the above mentioned captain.

"Um... Wakka?" Lulu's voice was a mix of surprise, disbelief and amusement.

"Oh, hi Lu. Want one?"

"I'll pass, thank you very much," the black mage got over the shock. "The game's about to start!"

"Holy Fayth! Thanks Lu," Wakka dashed off towards the stadium. The only thing left behind was a single banana peal on the ground...

Nobody could imagine that this single piece of organic fiber would play a huge role in the upcoming chain of events.

100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100100

The one and only – Seymour Guado was walking along the pier of the third dock. With every step, he was coming closer and closer to his inevitable doom. If Seymour were more attentive, his demise could have been avoided... but, alas, his mind was occupied by VERY distracting thoughts. Using my author powers I will show them to you.

Seymour's thoughts: _"Yuna... such beauty... such grace... I will make her notice me..."_

Okay that was creepy... Ahem... These thoughts completely overloaded Seymour's mind, preventing him from seeing the peal just a few steps ahead. Maybe, if he would have taken a single step to either of his sides he would live to see another day, buuut... NOT THIS TIME!

Seymour stepped on the peal, did a complete three-sixty turn, tripped on his robes (I have a small suspicion that he tripped on his hair...) and flew over the railing on the dock right into the muddy waters of Luca's port. _SPLASH!_ Seymour tried to swim for the surface, but his long robes kept pulling him down. This happened so quickly, nobody even noticed. The fact that the Aurochs scored their first ever goal, everyone's eyes were glued to the sphere screens, completely unaware of anything around them except blitzball.

The swollen and decaying body of the half-Guado was found three days later among the floating debris of Kilika...


	2. Chapter 2

**NOTE: OK. I'm reposting this chapter. Beta'd and better. The differences are very minor. All previous author notes apply.**

**Big "thank you": to BalthierFlare, who beta'd this chapter. THANK YOU Bal-chan!**

** to AccessDeniedZORS, for pointing out my mistakes (coughbuggedMSwordcough)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X. It belongs to SquareEnix.**

**A/N: Hee-ho! I'm back! A new death awaits our beloved (sarcasm) Seymour. Aaand the lucky guy… erm… girl who's going to kill him is… Rikku! Enjoy!**

** Oh, and let me know if you think that opening scenes are too long.**

* * *

**2. Rikku the Full Metal Alchemist… NOT!**

The Macalania forest was as peaceful as ever. Not a fiend was stirring, not a sound could be heard. Yuna and her guardians were sleeping. Well, not all of them: two people were awake. One didn't sleep because he didn't need it, the other- obviously plotting something.

"Hmm… a few dark matters… a pair of shining gems… one half of a mega-phoenix…" The second person was mixing something in a pot when…

"Rikku, what are you doing?"

"Eek!" A few phials flew from her hands, but she caught them in mid-air, "Auron! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"You didn't answer my question…"

"Well… I think I found a way to keep that undead freak Seymour away from us… Um… actually it involves killing him for good, but that's not the point. Look!" She handed Auron a large leather-covered book, "It's a book on alchemy! Cool, huh?"

"And what exactly are you intending to use against him?" The samurai tried to push away the book that was literally pushed in his face. Rikku opened a bookmarked page. It contained the following:

_Unsent are bound to this world by the energy of the planet. If someone were to cut off that flow, the unsent target would instantly vanish from this world. The best way to do this is by making an alchemic glyph (see diagram 22/4b) out of certain materials that will break that flow after the target steps onto it. For ingredients see section 77d_. _Warning: A side effe…_

Rikku shut the book with a loud _thud._

"OK! No time to waste! I made all the necessary preparations. And now all that's left: _Operation Lure Seymour into the Forest!_" Suddenly her face turned into a frown "To do that I need to go to Bevelle, BUT I need someone who knows the city…" Her gaze turned to Auron.

"Fine…"

"Woo-hoo! Let's go!" The Al-Bhed princess dashed off towards Bevelle grabbing the mystery pot and dragging Auron along with her. The alchemy book was left lying on the ground. A small breeze flipped the pages and stopped at the bookmark…

_Warning: a side effect could occur if there is another unsent nearby during the time when the glyph is activated. The release of planetary energy will be redirected at that person. Numerous experiments show that after being processed by the glyph, the energy can fully restore the soul and body an unsent. The age of the newly restored body equals (current age)/2… _

**The next day. Bevelle**.

It was a beautiful morning in Bevelle. Seymour was at home, still in his pajamas (with a chocobo pattern) lying on the guestroom couch. He was planning to stay at home for the whole day and relax. 

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Hm? Who could that be?" Seymour got up and went to open the front door. By the time he reached it the person was gone. The half-Guado looked around just to be sure (and to launch an Ultima, if this was just a prank). The street was empty. Just when he was about to close the door, some object on the doorstep caught his eye. "Oh. My. Yevon! It-it-it's the newest 'Mk. III Extra-Lift' hair-gel from Oriaqua!"

Yes, the mystery object was indeed a bottle of hair-gel. It was a well known fact: Seymour was crazy about hair-products. Just then the Maester noticed another bottle further down the path leading away from his home. Without a second thought he rushed to get it. Again, there was another one some distance away. And so the game of "follow the path of hair-gel" began…

**Somewhere behind a nearby corner…**

"I can't believe he fell for it…"

"I'm kinda surprised myself… Anyway, our job here is done!"

"Yes. Let's go return to camp"

"Not so fast! We have to make sure that everything goes as planned! Heh heh heh!" A groan sounded in response.

**Back with Seymour.**

An unusual sight could be seen in Bevelle that day: Seymour, Maester of Yevon, was walking along the streets in his pajamas while carrying a large pile of hair-products that was towering over his head and tipping dangerously. The improvised trail led him out of his home, down the main street of his block, through an alley, along the seaside, across the marketplace, around the temple and towards the highbridge. People were staring at him, pointing, snickering (nobody dared to laugh out loud, unless they wanted to be zapped by a few nasty spells) and generally having fun.

"Ta-ta-ta-da, what a lucky day!" Seymour was singing in a very out-of-character way, ignoring the witty comments and whispers. Although the mountain of bottles was blocking his view, he could follow the trail without looking, almost like a mosquito after blood. Now Seymour was pacing through the crystal forest of Macalania; colleting bottles and zapping fiends that were in his way. 

He stepped into a clearing where the last bottle was located. Ha walked towards it. Suddenly an alchemic circle flashed under his feet. Rays of light blasted from the ground, creating a type of cage around Seymour, lifting him into the air.

"AAAARGH!" The incantation was causing a lot of pain. Seymour felt like his insides were burning and melting. The light disappeared, leaving a very furious Guado on the ground. "Whoever did this will pay dea…. WHAAAA?" Zing! Seymour's arms burst into pyreflies. ZING! ZING! Other parts of his body were dissolving into numerous lights. A loud scream erupted from the Maester's throat. 

That was the last sound the world would hear from him. The only thing left marking Seymour's presence in the forest was a large pile of hair-products.**  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yohoho. 'Tis been a long time since I updated this. Wait... A very long time. I apologize to all my readers for such a long pause. You can say I was 'extremely uninspired for quite some time'. Anyway. I'm back and rolling and you all know what time it is? I can't hear you! Yes! Time to kill, torture and obliterate our 'favorite' Half-Guado.**

**Note: not a single cat was harmed during the production of this chapter.**

**100 Ways to Kill Seymour. Death Number 3: Little Tonberry.**

It was a sunny day in the Calm Lands. The sun was shining, the chocobos were wark-ing and Maester Seymour felt absolutely fabulous. Why, you ask? Well, for once, he was out of Bevelle and out of the grasp of the local fangi- ...ahem... _worshipers _(who really didn't care that the Grand Maester had made a vow of celibacy). Two – the location of his beloved Moonflow Lily was confirmed (ah, screw the vows).

Anyway. Seymour was having a good time just walking through the seemingly endless grasslands, stopping to smell the rare examples of the local flora and frying the not-so-rare-or-friendly fauna with a well-aimed Firaga. What could a man ever wish for? Oh, yes. The half-guado had to face-palm. Yuna. How could he forget?! Without a second thought and relying on his keen sixth sense, which allowed him to track the young summoner and her party anywhere, Seymour turned on his heels, allowing his antennae-shaped hair to pick up the lovely 'Yuna-waves'. North-east. There was no mistake about it. And so, the jolly Maester continued onwards, guided by his copyrighted (and highly disturbing) navigation system.

Skipping ahead a few hours. By the time the sun had reached its peak, Seymour was exhausted. And hot, and tired, and in a bad mood. And when the Maester is in a bad mood – bad things tend to happen. Like random massacres of _heathen villages _happening here-and-there, cats meowing in pain after being kicked... Yevon knows what would happen if you combine the two types of the guado's favorite targets... The cool shade of the Gagazet mountain range was a godsend, calming the somewhat irritated Seymour.

Crossing the shaky bridge and sighing with relief, Seymour looked around the small plateau. Just a boring clearing. To the left and below – another one, housing the entrance to the Cavern of the Stolen Fayth. The thought of exploring that place had been tempting the Maester for a long time. He once heard that this particular Fayth's Aeon asked for money and used a different type of attack depending on the amount of coins. A useful ally to a person who had the entire church's income of taxes and offerings at his disposal.

This train of extremely dangerous thoughts (dangerous for Yevon's worshiper's pockets, to be exact) was interrupted by a warrior-monk descending down the path leading to Ronso territory. There was something odd about that fellow... And the guado just couldn't put his finger on it. Maybe it was the few-sizes-too-small uniform? But military fundings were decreasing, so possibly...

"Maester Seymour, ya!" the monk spoke in a strange accented voice. Probably a besaidian.

"What do you want?"

Ignoring the Maester's 'if you interrupt me again I will kill your family' look the monk continued.

"Our patrol saw summoner Yuna enter the cavern over there, ya," the 'y'-word had an instant effect on the guado.

Without saying 'thank you' or 'Yevon bless you' or whatever phrase was in style at the moment, the Maester simply jumped to the lower platform (holding down his robe from hitching up and possibly scarring any passers-by for life) and leaving a cloud of dust in his wake, ran into the Stolen Fayth's cavern.

Rushing past the pools of toxic liquid and clouds of deadly fumes, Seymour never doubted the oh-so-conveniently-placed arrows on the ground with the words 'over here' written on them in childish handwriting. Corridor after corridor, cave after cave, with every single step the Maester came closer to his target (and further away from the exit and the possibility of any leftover warrior-monks hearing his death-wails). Suddenly, an explosion, coming from the hall he had just passed, deafened him. Another one, smaller, rang from somewhere ahead. A deadly silence followed...

The sounds of a hundred tiny steps, rustling of fabric and strange squeaking noises echoed through the empty cave. Even with pyreflies as his only source of light, Seymour saw _them_. Tonberries, hundreds of them! Marching forward, seeking revenge on that damn Al-Bhed girl, who dared to disturb their nest. On second thought... The hive-mind of the little lizards clicked and snapped its attention to the weird human figure, which was desperately clawing at a fresh pile of rock made by a cave-in. The figure, apparently realizing the futility of its current actions, turned to the approaching fiends.

"S-stay away!" the person stuttered. "I-I'm warn you! Gyaaaaah! _Ultima!_"

Spira's strongest multi-target spell available for Black Mages hit the swarm of Tonberries like tidal wave... Bad move. Very bad. After picking up their lanterns and knives, the enraged lizards launched a group-counter-attack... _Karma._

The moral of the story is: if you enjoy killing things on a daily besis, if you have your hands stained by the blood of uncountable lives, never, _NEVER _expect to survive the devastating might of over nine thousand points of damage inflicted by a few hundred karmic-retributions.


	4. Chapter 4

**As I said earlier: I'm on a roll. Literally. Thanks to Katamari Damacy and its addicting gameplay and LSD-in-video-game-form atmosphere... I feel inspired. Don't ask. I just do. Also, thanks goes to Sage Quill for the idea of using hamsters as a weapon of mass-destruction. And...uh...I'm not very satisfied with how this ended up... or maybe that's just my OCD kicking in...  
**

**Warnings: you might be afraid of hamsters for the rest of your life. Read at your own risk!**

**Chapter 4: Hamsters!**

Guadosalam – the city inside a giant organic, tree-like cavern. Home to the guado race. The place where you can enter the Farplane. A full list of the town's tourist attractions was kind of endless once you thought about it. One of them being the fabled Jyscal mansion. At this very moment of time, five particularly agitated guardians and a summoner were waiting in front of the estate's ornate door.

"Ooh, where is he?" a young summoner, who went by the name of 'Yuna', asked for the n-th time in a row.

As if on cue, a blond head popped up from behind a house. Not that anybody noticed, of course. Well, maybe Kimahri Ronso did, but kept silent about it (just like many other things). Naturally, he was a feline that kept his promises. Especially ones that included catnip as a form of bribe in exchange for his silence.

A few minutes passed and the group of six, finally tired of waiting for the boy from Zanarkand, departed towards the farplane platform. The coast was clear and Tidus finally decided to act. His plan was foolproof and highly effective. The creepy guado-maester was going to pay dearly for whatever words he whispered to Yuna. As far as Tidus was concerned – if they made the summoner blush and stutter... Eh... He decided against imagining that... Picking up the metal cage, which contained the 'stars' of this little revenge scheme, and whistling the 'Mission Impossible' tune, the blitzer began sneaking towards Jyscal manor.

When O'aka XXIII had suggested this particular method of revenge, Tidus was skeptical. Hamsters? How could hamsters be considered dangerous in any way? When the traveling merchant started mumbling something about plot-holes and 'some-complicated-word'-gate... Tidus, due to limited funds and lack of better alternatives (seriously, exploding garden gnomes?!)... Long story short: the blitzer bought the cage containing four hamsters that were supposed to be 'far more devastating than you can imagine'. At least that creep Seymour will have a rodent problem on his hands. Now that Tidus actually thought about it... 'Rodents' plus 'wooden building' equals what? Letting the little furry infiltrators out of their cage and through the slightly ajar front door, the blitzer wiped his forehead and went to dispose of the container.

Meanwhile, the hamsters found themselves in an unfamiliar environment. This place was so different from the usual magic-infused stone of their usual habitat. Quietly conversing among themselves, the little rodents ventured further into unknown territory.

The first room the four hamsters stumbled upon had 'jackpot' spelled all over it. Food. Tables full of delicious food. Without further ado, the furry brigade scaled the leg of the nearest table and proceeded to stuff their cheeks with anything that smelled edible. What they didn't expect was a high-pitched scream that seemed to echo through the whole mansion. The leader, nicknamed 'Hammy', sniffed the air and stopped munching on a cactuar-shaped cookie. The owner of the scream was nearby. Sitting up, Hammy surveyed his surroundings. An eccentric-looking human with hair shaped like a roach's antenna was staring at him with a look of pure disgust. Two pairs of eyes met...

_"Boys, there's another one of those here!"_

_"What do you mean, boss?"_

_"Remember that group of weirdos that kept screaming 'Nibelung Valesti' and other nonsense?"_

_"You don't mean..!"_

_"Prepare for battle, men!"_

Seymour, however, was oblivious to this rather intelligent conversation going on between the furry intruders. Rodents?! In his home?! Unforgivable! As soon as he dealt with these pests, the guado was going to severely punish the servants... and get some new rodent-traps. That merchant had tricked him, saying that they were one-hundred-and-fifty percent effective. This mental note to the revenge journal was interrupted by an apple seed hitting the Maester square in the forehead. And not just any seed. A full-powered projectile attack that could inflict significant damage to a person. Three more attacks followed, knocking the guado off balance.

_"This is our chance for an all-out attack!"_

_"Let's do this!"_

And so, the hamsters decided to use their trump card. The technique only available to them. A devastating tactic, capable of taking down the mightiest warriors. After a quick 'chant' (which consisted of a few extraordinary complicated words in ancient-hamsterian) the air right behind the furry brigade began to shift and ripple...

Meanwhile, in front of the farplane entrance.

"Auron, did you just hear something?"

"What do you mean?"

"Dunno, like... an earthquake or something."

"Hmpf."

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

Back at the mansion's dining room, a cloud of dust and loose fur had finally settled down, revealing a severely battered (and pretty much dead) Maester lying on the floor. The only other occupants of the room resumed their highly important task of stuffing food behind their cheeks...

**And that's that. Cookie if you guess where the hamsters came from.**


End file.
